I tried to hold it in, but tears tear up anyway. I let it be.
~Musicpervs
Nicholas Yee – Time (Inception)
It’s better I confess and move on.
I cry almost, … almost every other night despite this perfect ‘all is well’ cosmetic I put on.
Solitude. Loneliness. I swing in-between. Killingly.
‘Could haves’ clutters up my headspace. Blindfolds me. Squeezes me on my neck and hammers nail right through my literal heart.
Tears tear up.
And, I let it sway me.
And, I wonder after a while,… matter of fact, I wonder after every whiles that perhaps this is called ‘cleansing memories‘ of my grandmother’s final days.
I was once unsure if anybody would like me, let alone fall in love with me. or accept me for who I was. I use to feel ugly, lacking, and … fucked gorgeously!
That’s my story when i was in my 10th, 11th, 12th all the way to the 2nd year of my undergraduate degree at Islington. But after that, something organically changed.
Long story short, I clearly remember that this holy ramification in my mindset over my own identity came about only after I met my best friend. Manish — a sweetheart of Tangal, Patan.
As, someone wise, unbeknownst once said, all you need to get through all the shitloads of thick-and-thins in life — is just one person.
Fuck,
He is the one in my life!
He taught me to take care of my own shit. Embarrassing and Inflammatory as it may sound but he honestly did teach me to dress up, taught me to talk to seniors or even the girls; For simplicity sake, let’s just say that HE’s the one who had me Man Up!
Above all, he also (without-him-knowing) taught me an important lesson for life, and, i.e, — to Love Myself!
being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one;
being a force of nature instead of a feverish, selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy.
I am of the opinion that my life belongs to the whole community, and as long as I live it is my privilege to do for it whatever I can. I want to be thoroughly used up when I die, for the harder I work the more I live.
I rejoice in life for its own sake. Life is no “brief candle” for me. It is a sort of splendid torch which I have got hold of for the moment, and I want to make it burn as brightly as possible before handing it on to future generations.”
~ George Bernard Shaw on living a life that burns bright:
My Space Is Overgrown – Aayushi
Oh, I’m re-learning to live a more deliberate bijay life.
I’ve decided to put off chess board that had been sucking up my private hours and minutes.
Social media detox. Digital sabbatical. Digital decluttering or minimalism. Purposeful Unplugging, whatever you name it …
I’ve done this many times before. Shamelessly, I’m picking up the gig again.
Just to be clear, I’m not running away from anything here, and perhaps the right way to look at this would be to say — Matter-of-fact, I’m doing quite the opposite. I’m on purpose running towards something.
Time will reveal why for every what!
p.s. Shoutout to my girl who despite my absense verily takes care of ‘the.life.of.bijay.s’.
In the meantime, ‘oh.randomess‘ was born this week. Amalgamation of ‘random’ plus ‘mess’ — that’s how it got the name.
This baby shall grow with time as I let go more and more random beautiful mess from my lifeline (captured mostly with my camera lenses).
I still don’t know why I like creating stuff!
p.p.s. Video contents I went back to this week, again — to exercise my wisdom muscles (which you might as well find as an absolute cracker) are:
I hate fake people. You know what I’m talking about. Mannequins. ~ Jarod Kintz
Vasu Raina – Chalo
RIP.
Rest in Peace.
Really!?
I’ve seen enough of these three words thrown away just like that without weighing on them at all.
What a disgrace.
In all sincerity, if we’re taking about real grief; If only, we are talking about sense of real loss, real sympathy, real emotions, or feelings, or even real last words for the deceased — what .. what a terrible waste of words these seem for real.
With due honesty, I say what an awful expression to mourn the departed!
Never do that!
It’s like wishing stale ‘Happy Birthday‘ or rotten ‘Happy anything’ to your fake friends, colleague, relatives, whatever — and sure enough, pretty entirely out of pure formality you see.
Because, One — you fucking sure are not ‘Happy’ by any metric … any — when you typed them and sent them away. And Two — you have fucking no clue what does wishing anyone ‘Happy Birthday’ truly mean if all you do is fucking text.
Please don’t give ‘Rest in Peace’ ever. You can always do better than that.
For, we sure don’t know what Resting in Peace is — after death.
Most of us have two lives. The life we live and the unlived life within us. Between the two stands Resistance. ~ Steven Pressfield
Rajamati Kumati from राजमति movie
Playfully, sometimes I’d call her by her full name.
As I enter her room and make it to her bed near her, I’d shout, “Hello, Ratna Devi Amatya……”. And, every time I call her by her name, she’d confront she didn’t like the sound or the feel of it.
It’s just that I liked to annoy her and look if she’d react any differently.
“Respect from younger to elder has to ensue ~ My RDA”.
Last Thursday, on September 24, 2020, 2:35 PM, Eme took her final breathe in front of me on a hospital bed.
Eme’ and didi (on their last birthdays … together). Plus, while we were at the hospital, one of the last best memories I have of her was her deliberately trying to kiss ‘Sahana’ over the phone, as I was showing her the video didi had sent me from their picnic.
For your clarity: Eme and I didn’t merely have a grandson and a grandparent relationship. Sincerely, when my father’s mum (also my grandmother) passed away I didn’t feel much.
However, to me she was and still is an equivalent of my own mother. She raised me and in the process also unfailingly graced us with her love, her anger, her care, kindness and most of all her contagious sense-of-humor.
For simplicity:
I was. I am. And, I will indefinitely be an extension of her.
I remember: I use to go meet her at least once a week. Because, I knew she’d wait for Saturdays. And sometimes on weekend when I’d fail to show up or get late she’d call. She called! She waited!
For the same reason, Saturdays will always be special for me for forever.
One of Eme’s favorite song was RajmatiKumati
On my last post, I had said there’s a second part to her demise actuality.
This is that (few things Eme has talked to me about in length).
Take care of your aunt (Reeta Aunty) after I am gone! You won’t believe but your uncle’s presence and his mere caring concern alone is sufficient for my aching ailments. Please soften him for his own good! Please, take care of my family after me.
You take nothing when you die. So, give! Share. Never greed. More importantly, seize joy whenever possible and enjoy the day to the possible, perceivable fullest.
Never hurt your parents specifically. Don’t have them or anybody for that matter cry a tear drop because of you! I tell you from experience, Heartburns are the worst form of torment any parents would have to fathom in their life!
Family is all you’ll ever have of yourself, for yourself.
Do what you have to do today. Never put off until tomorrow or wait for the right condition and the right-time.
Mistakes (unless you’re hurting anybody) will be made along the way but son, take them easy. Learn. Course correct. Just, welcome honest mistakes. Don’t yell. Don’t make anybody feel small or unimportant or useless because of their fault.
Don’t be stiff like stick. Flex. Bend! Because, the more conclusions you draw in life and your living in general, the more unhappy you will become. Don’t be so sure of anything, son. Don’t be constipated in your head. Don’t try controlling. Live light! What’s there in life anyway.
It’s very easy to say what’s wrong with everything and everybody around you. It’s comfortable. It’s just rare somebody would dare look within themselves and operate on their insufficiencies. Always look inward first!
Endings makes you want to question — why me of all !?
And, sometimes, as horrible, as irrational and as stupid as it may sound, endings can make you want to end your life too.
I used to be afraid of having to feel someone leave, having to see someone die. Honestly, growing up as a kid, I use to wish no one died in my family! And, yes, I use to be a people pleaser as well.
But I reckon — life’s a death sentence mayte’. And the world outside is wild!
And, we’ll all end one fine day.
And, not everyone will be happy for you,.. with you.
Plus, despite that, the world will do just FINE!
Scouring through my own life’s pages:
I’ve seen many cold, dead bodies of my own disappeared in flames in front of me.
I’ve walked away from many relationship(s); ended countless friendship(s) too. Hurtful they be.
So to speak, I’ve let go of so many brain farts that shitted over me.
And, since my 2015 earthquake’s diary — purely out of gratitude, I’ve waved metaphorical goodbye to every day I’ve lived fully, happily, and many-a-times sadly too.
Concentrate every minute like a Roman – like a man – on doing what’s in front of you with precise and genuine seriousness, tenderly, willingly, with justice. And on freeing yourself from all other distractions. Yes, you can – if you do everything as if it were the last thing you were doing in your life, and stop being aimless, stop letting your emotions override what your mind tells you, stop being hypocritical, self-centered, irritable. You see how few things you have to do to live a satisfying and reverent life? If you can manage this, that’s all even the gods can ask of you.
Marcus Aurelius (Meditation)
Mree – Goodnight & Goodbye
It’s been a while I’ve noticed a metastasizing cancer within me; Of putting off things for an indefinite period of time, of looking for motivational-porn to do things that are demanding and utterly important!
Sure, I was a procrastinator before as well. And then, I wasn’t like that anymore. But then, I’m again — a human.
I want to confess. I’m working on my procrastination.
Truth be told: I’m trying to explore cum reclaim ‘Today’ (with as much stretch of imagination, possible) and Postpone ‘Someday’.
In the nutshell, I’m trying to gain control over the steering wheel of my life once again, and for sure, this journey of finding myself has re-taught me that the choices I make each day, matters more than I’ll ever know!
Which is why, Goodbye and Goodnight for today folks. For, I’ve something more important tonight.
Lastly, the video below is without-a-doubt a rare pearl in the ocean from the channel I’d been long following — if you want to truly navigate around the waters of procrastination from the stoic perspective.
It’s sad. Most of us don’t realize what we have unless we don’t have it, anymore.
Musicpervs
Ajnabee – Little Things
In a world where real love is a lot of hard work where friction is inevitable.
And true love still, is never a conflict-free love.
Never take him .... Not, to take her...
Yes, don't you make a mistake of taking your beloved for granted!
p. s. Remember. The Balance Sheet of love also has Assets, Liabilities, Expenses, Overdrafts and Adjustments.
Let's start from there.
Little things in relationships.
If you’re a vivid reader of this small blog; You must’ve come across many such posts that speaks of the must haves’ and the havenots’ — recipes for a ‘good-enough’ relationships.
I’m certain I’ve spoken enough, in imaginable length, breadth and the depth about the real.love.ingredients that make up for a real.love.relationships. A pure partnership per se or simply Friendship. The genuine Reciprocity. Loads and loads of Humor, for sure. The unadulterated Honesty. Radiating and re-assuring Emotional Security. Shared Responsibility. Non-judgementism, Appreciation and Acceptance. Non-negotiable Understanding and a strong, very strong Support System. The Non-negotiable Respect too. Heavy stuff like organic, mutual growth, best jokes. and so on and so forth.
But, Shit! Have I written anything about simple.little.things which actually, and in reality make up for a large portion of the ‘daily grind’ that any…. any well-nourished, balanced and well-maintained r.e.l.a.t.i.o.n.s.h.i.p.s — Go Through ->
[Sidenote: She asked me if I’d write on ‘little things’ after having binged Netflix series ‘Little Things‘ together.]
So, here I am. And, here it is.
Frankly, I don’t have 10 little, secret things you can do to pump up and launch your relationship to a sweet-next level, with your partner in crime, but sure I have some food for thoughts to share on the same.
[haha]
Cool.
So, allow me to present to you my flavor of ‘little things’ that we all can do.
A simple wake up and wind down texts.
Explore overlapping interests. May be food. Travel. Games. Pick anything. And do them. Freaking indulge,… responsibly though.
Watch movies together. Eat ice-cream, drink coffee, enjoy your mint lemonade whatever you like. Go to concerts together. Cook together. Find out and solve problems together. Go, shopping together. Do weird, silly stunts together — merely for a bellyful of laughs and gasps. Doesn’t have to make sense! Share, listen to songs together. Dance together for no reason. Unpack your whole package together. … Don’t think dirty! [haha]
Ask stupid questions. Ask, how was your day, How you feeling, questions? Take meaningless selfies. Make funny, stupid videos. Bitch about life’s unfairness and it’s suckers.
Plus, an advice from my married-best-friend, “Take things lightly whenever you have disagreements and talk about it later with cool head”.
Give each other sweet, little, frequentsurprises. Take each other out for unplanned treat, retreats [emphasis added].
Oh yeah! And please compliment. Compliment dudes.
Kiss. Cuddle. Chumpy. Massage. Shower. Walk. Do Tik-toks if you have to.
Encourage one another. Just Be.there.for.each.other — side-by-side, nail and flesh.
Take inventories of each other’s favorite things as well as painful problems. Listen. Listen, and help each other out when things aren’t right.
Make your significant other feel he/she is special and taken care of and taken care for.
Life’s good if little things are taken care of man. And I guess, rest will follow.
p.s. Enjoy One of those days for a secret to a perfect relationship.
p.p.s I’m also learning bits and pieces in this department.
I wait for Thursdays. Trust me, it is always a blank page and orgy of thoughts.
Well, few housekeeping since last Thursday.
I and my girlfriend opened my long deactivated facebook account. It’s a pacific of cool past shits. I’m certain she’s already dived deep to the bottom of the holy ocean.
Sadly, one of my cousin sister contracted COVID19. She’s recovering gracefully.
Uploaded my first IGTV video. Made with Final Cut Pro.
Created a simple family video. Again, refreshed Final Cut Pro skill.
A cousin brother ‘Nijal Shrestha’ eventually got admitted to ‘Nepal Police Academy’ for his 8th standard after three years of attempts after attempts in a row.
Working on my daily habits cum routine. Hopefully, I’ll soon be back to my 9PM-3AM sleep habit. And, not to forget, she’s also doing everything she can to get me back on my previously adored routine. See, she’s a keeper!
Getting my hands on guitar at least once a day.
Trying to have as much fun with Grand ma. I visit her every day (except for rainy evenings) and we trash talk a lot and laugh our privileged arsee out loud!
That’s long enough already. And sorry for wasting your time.
Now, without further ado, serving you the main dish of the day — yeah, Endless scrolling it is!
First, before I spill science, I want to quickly kick off with my curiosity for ya’all
[ intentional pause ]
Are you also guilty of being a happy prisoner of a social media factory
this seemingly rewarding but profoundly pacifying; this amazing but largely fake and deceiving; this so-easy-to-use but so-easy-to-get-consumed by-and hooked-into; this dopamine inducing, which is not bad in itself but also self-control-shaking and tirelessly,… numbingly habituating us to seek validations and approvals and conformations from others?
If you say —
Hell no!
I fucking love this shit and I love my phone.
Period!
Then, please, don’t bother going any further.
It’s okay.
However, if you are like me who agrees to be sicken with this disease and duly accept the mindless wandering out into the woods of conformity business of social media, then, let’s get our mind dirty one more time with digging and exploring.
So, only five questions to keep this simple.
Question 1: Why do you think ‘Youtube’ has a ‘Recommendation or Explore‘ section with endless videos-autoplay feature?
Question 2: Why do you think facebook’s video feature is also endless with one video after another and then another ?
Question 3: Why do you think instagram has ‘explore‘ feature with endless photographs, stories, and mostly stupid yet sophisticated and seemingly interesting videos after videos of strange people you don’t know and from strange accounts you barely care?
Question 4: Ask, are these social media really, connecting us or just making us more anti-social … and more stupid? Endlessly?
Question 5: How often do you check to see if how many people reacted to your social media posts? How. Many. Times?
Don’t you think it’s weird and fishy?
Rephrasing one of my mentor, Niall Breslin as he says that Our eye balls — meaning our attention, our focus,… our time in general scheme of things are like oils for companies of today. They want to control it, …matter of fact they want to own it!.”
And the science I was talking about,… is so beautifully put together in a short roughly 10 minutes video I’m about to share it with you.
My say: Download this into your brain as you listen every single word there. And take back the control of your life’s wheel.
My message: Stop. Fake. Reality.
P.S. My sincere gratitude and thanks to three of my mentors in the video: Cal Newport (Author: Deep Work), Jordan Peterson (Author: 12 Rules for life) and Simon Sinek (Author: Leaders Eat Last)
P.S. Hats off to ‘Absolute Motivation’ curator for the video.
