Category: Musicpervs Week

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Perhaps, this is the first time I’m writing as I sit beside my grand mum. The song on the speaker is the one from Game of Thrones.

She sweetly complains [in newari], “What’s that song saying anyway [tries imitating the music] ? Is the song even good at all? We’ve good music here than the ones made in America. [laughs]”. Followed by a subtle, out-of-the-bloom inquiry, “Where’s your girlfriend from? [haha]”

I really love her company and her genuine curiosity and love for life and her toothless smile and her weird, self-made, profane songs.

Well, it is just that right now, the only thing I’m thinking about,… is, what ought I write about?

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appointments went LIVE for full-fledge production release, on July 15, 2020, Wednesday afternoon.

Millions of applications, if not hundreds and thousands of them are launched every day, everywhere?

You may ask, why am i so hyped up about this one?

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Well, for the most part; Because this one seemingly simple but wildly complicated project has been the only highlight of my lockdown story thus far.

I ate, slept, dreamt, toilet-ed, brushed, bathe, literally breathe, .. breathe, … every single day on this one idea. Fuck!

Matter of fact, Fuck my story.

Because it’d be ridiculous to not speak of the spine, the heroes, of the main spartans who had happily, willingly, heartily, evenly, gleefully, bravely, selflessly — sacrificed, yes, fucking S.A.C.R.I.F.I.C.E.D all of their blood, sweat and tears for this supple and wonderful child born out of pure dedication and commitment to create the best enterprise software experience we know.

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Again, because only because of these few good men and women, eappointments has had her unique flavor of stories — stories of breaking and creating, trying and failing, embarrassments and triumphs, exhaustions and excitements, peaks and valleys, … storms and the calm.

Only, because of these skilled and talented minds, eappointments suspires today.

Only, because of their utterly selfless, priceless and speechless love and respect for work, for their duties and responsibilities eappointments is beautiful!

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Whence, today, I’d like to take the opportunity to secretly, silently, truly and heart-fully thank the heroes behind her making:

In alphabetical order,

Ms. Dhanusha Roka | Business Analyst

Mr. Kaushal Regmi | Frontend, ReactJS

Mr. Rupak Chapagain | Backend, Java

Ms. Sabu Shakya | Frontend, ReactJS

Ms. Sauravi Thapa | Backend, Java

Ms. Smriti Mool | Backend, Java

Mr. Sudin Shakya | UI/UX

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Truth be told,

I’m no hero.

You are!

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Namo namo ~~

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Waste no more time arguing about what a good man should be. Be one.

Marcus Aurelius

I wonder.

Will I marry my.best.friend who embodies my beliefs, who shares my values, someone who braces my tantrums, someone who graces my imperfections?

Will this one person who I consider the love of my life, SUPPORT me in every way, all the way …, all the way?

And, mostly, will my in-laws accept me the way I am?

Or, will I have to pretend to being any different than how I have always, always been?

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I worry.

Will I find my home away from my own home!

Will I find my family beyond my own family!

Or, will I have to cut short my soaring wings and trade my freedom after the wedding?

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Will heartfelt love, mutual understanding, melting care, genuine reciprocity, shared responsibility, the unadulterated respect and heart-full-of kindness –be in the veins of my new found nest?

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Will I have a voice, my say here?

Will I find another home that I can call my own?

Will I be lucky to find a man for the real?

Will I be actually married, for real, at all?

My marriage!

A Girl’s marriage!

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There is a crack in everything, that’s how lights get in.

Leonard Cohen

Deep. Dark. Fear. Inexplicable panic. Seasonless shiver. Clouds and mountains of self-judgement. Mocking confusions. Expanding pain. Contracting heart.

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Out of breathe — couldn’t breathe.

Empty gaze –couldn’t Sleep.

Tasteless — couldn’t eat.

Bickering — couldn’t stop.

Hiding — couldn’t tell, couldn’t speak.

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Silent sobs. Helpless tears.

Thinking. Spinning..

Losing. Spilling.

Spoiling. Digging. Digging for more.

Suffocating. Questioning. Expecting!

Explaining. Conforming. Justifying.

Thinking..

Thinking, and

thinking.

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This is your head talk. This is your beautiful, vulnerable headspace.

Stress. Anxiety. Depression. Over thinking. Anger. Annoyance. Impatience. Guilt. Frustration.

Whatever you call it. This is not only your problem. It’s not only your story.

You’re not alone in this, my friend.

However, whenever these waves of killing, cruel, and mainly heart pressing thoughts come to your shore — Don’t get into defense. Don’t try fighting. Don’t ignore. Observe observer!

Matter of fact, as simple as it may sound but I’d want you to gracefully accept this foreign, strange and un-invited guest also called ‘the monkey in your brain’. Embrace her. Watch her. Let her dance when it dances but be aware!

Be fully present. And finally, kindly, forgivingly … let go!

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As justly said, the devil’s in the detail — so, do not miss Head Talks by Niall Breslin.

p.s. remember —

“One full breathe at a time.”

• 

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This is not a post about ‘downvote’

But, just last Thursday, I received my first downvote at Musicpervs youtube channel.

Not that I put any thought on conformity, acceptance, agreeableness, and social media thermometers when it comes to my creative self-indulgence on the pursuit of learning more .

Or, say more precisely, not that I receive any attention on the platform to feel gravely concerned about, but this event had occurred right after few minutes of publishing the video. My guess. One of my subscriber is not happy!

That loud, fat, echoing, demanding, authentic, pure, voiceless, screaming or perhaps wrongly oscared ‘downvote’.

But, again, this is not a post about ‘downvote’ at all.

This is about my reflective, internal inquiries and examination.

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Have I hurt feelings of other people?

Sure, yes!

Have I committed mistakes in my life?

Most certainly. No doubt about it!

But, have I done wrongs to anybody, deliberately, intentionally?

Have I ever cheated on anybody?

Have I ever exploited or taken advantage of anybody?

Have I ever betrayed?

Have I punished, penalized, or sold lies to anybody?

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If yes. Then perhaps, I should be the one answering it with full accountability and truths — not anybody else; And specially, not their feelings about events, circumstances and things. Because, trust me if feelings were the ultimate answer we’d never have had any wars or crimes or 9/11s in the first place.

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Lastly, I’ve always said one thing and one thing only in my defense amid flood of baseless blames and criticisms.

I’m not a bad person.

p.s. “If You Haven’t Done Anything Wrong, Do Not Apologise.” ~ Dr. Jordan Peterson

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“Objective judgement, now, at this very moment. Unselfish action, now, at this very moment. Willing acceptance – now, at this very moment – of all external events. That’s all you need.”

Marcus Aurelius, Meditation

We all feel we are in need of help.

We all feel there’s a rescue boat coming for us. Our prince charming desperately waiting for us to show up.

We all feel inadequate, incomplete, tiny, meaningless, clueless, fucked!

We all feel full and also empty, stressed, consumed, pinched, broken, bitten, and betrayed.by.fate.

We feel we’re at an unfortunate place, the wrong time!

Haven’t you?

Something, s.o.m.e—thing is always not in its place. Not the way it is supposed to be. Something is always off!

Isn’t it?

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These anchors you experience, these caveats of a modern, … normal human life, these proxy urgencies, distractions, all these shit shows occurring, recurring over and over are simply inevitable.

That, it is the way.

And I’m here to tell you that — that’s just fine!

Only remember: the lights could’ve only found its sweetest place with us because there’s a grave darkness that also lives in and around us.

The fact that there’s good also defaults us that there has to be bad as well. And you’d want to be constantly, consistently choosing the right side.

Remember, sometimes the only best way is — through.

And remember that during all those difficult-of-times, a whisper within you MUST say — this too shall pass!

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Not taking things personally is a superpower.

James Clear (Author of Atomic Habits)

Fear is not bad. Is, it?

Matter of fact, fear is without-a-doubt, the best life tool!

But wait!

It depends on what sort-of fear is it that keeps you awake.

Fighting. Fucked.

Unresting. Unsatisfied.

Investing. Investigating.

A question lingers.

Who and What you should fear the most?

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the virus?

.. for students — perhaps their self-centered teacher?

.. for laborers — maybe their pain-in-the-ass boss?

.. ignorant parents?

.. selfish girlfriend?

.. disloyal boyfriend?

.. of being wrong?

.. of perhaps boredom too?

.. dear addictions?

.. your one-sided love?

.. losing health slash getting cancer?

.. loneliness?

.. emptiness in emptiness?

.. the excruciating, ruminating, painful, stressing, pressing, rumbling thoughts after thoughts?

.. spineless people and their IMHO fucked-up point-of-views?

.. injustice?

.. losing your loved ones?

.. never-ending problems?

.. the world itself?

.. maybe life?

.. death?

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Well, today I want to present to you with an antidote to all your fears for all the wrong reasons.

Again, unsolicited.

A genuinely, very very important inquiry apparatus for seeking the truth.

A baby question but so profound.

Just ask:

Is this thing that I’m constantly thinking about, worrying about, fearing about, nagging about, complaining about, pissed-off about, fussing about — in or out of my hands, in or out of my control?

That’s it.

Be deliberately, un-foolishly, un-emotionally objective.

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And, talking about good fears.

Fear certainty.

Fear not learning, not growing or more verbosely put — The Stagnancy.

Fear not knowing the difference between objectivity and superficiality.

Fear not asking THE RIGHT QUESTIONS?

Fear stale, stupid days.

Fear lying. Fear not telling the truth.

Fear taking yourself too seriously.

Fear not taking responsibility of your life.

Fear for the right thing.

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On a departing note for the week my friend:

This short video by my mentor Tim Ferris will hopefully enlighten some heavy shits out of you.

Happy Thursday!

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