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I’ve tried to keep ‘musicpervs’ –alive here in this sub-domain (because I’ve had times where-in I have completely screwed up and lost the blog as I would sometimes update the WordPress version or the plugin and all of a sudden the blog becomes completely inaccessible) , as much as I can.
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It isn’t the things themselves that disturb people, but the judgements that they form about them. ~ Epictetus
Eli Teplin – Off The Grid
“I need to develop a much-needed, a must-have skill to digest setbacks and failures.”, I clearly remember the evening when I was having this conversation with Babu.
There will come a time when despite all the hard-work, the sleepless nights, the restless days, Despite giving everything I have — I will still fall short, I will still fail.
Very rarely, I’ve had these kind of scant, hard-to-chew, hard-to-swallow kinds of moments in my life. But then, as I often tell; memory’s a weird thing, that you eventually forget the taste, the smell and the feel of those (beautiful in their own unique way) memories. And, because of this one simple reason,
you forget that, ‘acceptance is your antidote‘,
you forget that, ‘obstacle is the way‘ (from Ryan Holiday),
you forget that, ‘it’s one single day against the rest of the other days you would live’,
you forget that,’ instead of regret and resentment, self-reflection, course correction is a noble virtue to practice’,
you forget that, ‘there’re things that you’ve absolutely control over and there’re things that you don’t‘,
you forget that, ‘all you have is this single day, and the powerful choice to choose to decide how you want to spend it‘,
you forget that, ‘you can use some magic of deliberate self-love and self-care‘,
you forget that, ‘future has nothing to do with your past but everything to do with your present‘,
you forget that, ‘your decision at this ugly moment really has weight; thatyour resolve to harness the power of this unimaginable and utterly uncomfortable, sadness —matters!’,
A note to self — Comeback to this post every once in a while.
However, it’s been a while I’ve not been giving her much attention,
It’s been a while I’ve dissed my promise,
It’s been a while I’m living a flavor of life never occurred to me before,
It’s been a while I’ve had to really, really measure my priorities,
It’s been a while I’ve had to suffer in magnitude I never saw coming,
It’s been a while I’ve had to manage hour-by-hour,
It’s been a while I’ve had to calculate and allocate my time to sleep,
It’s been a while I’m rolling with the punches in this unique journey of pain and the pleasure.
You may be wondering ‘what the fuck’ I’m talking about, because everything I said above is freaking discrete, and rightly so, adds to nothing of useful information to your senses.
But, a big but, If you know me well, you would know I am going through a whole-another-lever phase of my life. Nevertheless, for the record, let’s recall few of the highlights of the past few weeks:
Prof. Xing’s advice — to not give up, to keep believing in myself that I can do it and work really, really freaking hard for it.
Despite all the circus going around in-between my days and the night, I managed to stick with potatoshrestha’s commitment
Got my first ‘B’ (34/40) on Web Application Programming’s (CS472-WAP) midterm and for the ‘A’ on the overall grade, showing up for the exam knowing I can only afford to lose 1 point (despite acknowledging the fact that the exam is going to be darn tricky and utterly tough that time around as well) was a different ball-game!
Didn’t sleep the whole night for the project. Will be forever in-debt to one of my best friends — Puku dai!
Samyog becomes father again to a baby girl on April 17, 2022.
Got new information on ‘OPT track’. Nani stepped in to help with the finances.
Solution get’s addicted to kimchi and the nail extension
I am a living testament of falling, and failing into this ‘tomorrow’ trap.
I have been a prisoner.
I have wasted almost 2 decades of my beautiful life believing it to be true.
I have failed myself so many times by successfully postponing things until tomorrow.
I don’t mean I have come clean now.
There definitely are residues!
See, if you look surgically, and carefully, and with intentional curiosity, and with honest dare — you will acknowledge that you’ve absolutely zero control over how the template of tomorrow is going to pan out for you, that you have completely no grip over almost all the variables that makes up this ‘tomorrow’ crap. Surprisingly, how gravely fool we a.r.e, to trust ‘it’ anyway?
It’s not that I never had had this forms of internal dialog, it’s just that they never weighted too much in front of tons of sweet distractions I have always had to give my abundant time to. To put it simply: Procrastination has always been an elephant in the room for me. And, good chances are, may be, you too have been worshiping this dream-killing-god that momentarily saves us all —
from the pain of having to go through the storm,
from the pain of having to go and do the shits that really matter,
‘Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.’ ~ Adam Gottesfeld
Mogli – ‘Two Lungs’
I had a driving test today. At the end of the test, the examiner went to say, “We are not going to pass today … ” The Rest were all blur, and evaporated as quickly as he uttered a.n.y.t.h.i.n.g.
I know, I did a grave mistake on that intersection where-in I didn’t see the incoming traffic and went-in to take the left turn as asked.
I should’ve looked at the traffic carefully! I should’ve looked at the incoming car. How the F— I didn’t see that green Volkswagen beetle coming. Dumb F—! These was my brain for the next 3 hours.
I kept thinking and re-visiting on that one turn that costed me the test.
I kept saying inside my head that this day could’ve been a different scene altogether had I passed. A day without a stain!
I kept ruminating around ‘I failed’.
Later after that three long hours of resentment and the loop, … I finally gave in.
I finally accepted my failure.
I finally swallowed my lesson.
I finally said that this is just about any ordinary day.
I finally came to realize that there’s going to be other day with other important stuff to work on, that there’s going to be the other day that awaits your permission to be lived and utilized and spent fully!
Plus, I remembered a wonderful lesson from Adam Gottesfeld on Failing, which I stumbled upon when I read ‘The 4 hour work week’ by Tim Ferris.
What’s your definition of ‘The Best Day’ ?. ~ author
Milky Chance – Down by the River
Ralph Waldo Emerson writes,
“Finish every day and be done with it. For manners and for wise living it is a vice to remember. You have done what you could; some blunders and absurdities no doubt crept in; forget them as soon as you can. Tomorrow is a new day; you shall begin it well and serenely, and with too high a spirit to be cumbered with your old nonsense. This day for all that is good and fair. It is too dear, with its hopes and invitations, to waste a moment on the rotten yesterdays.”
It has always been ‘forward’. It has always been about’the’ now and the ‘future’.
What you do today is always going to matter the most.
What you did will most certainly explain the bulk about your ‘current’ circumstance.
And, if you don’t have an aim, and you move with the wind of fate and luck, the ‘sleep-walking’ is obvious!
Treat each day as a miracle,
as an only day,
as your absolute existence.
Marcus Aurelius pens down,
“Concentrate every minute like a Roman— like a man— on doing what’s in front of you with precise and genuine seriousness, tenderly, willingly, with justice. And on freeing yourself from all other distractions. Yes, you can— if you do everything as if it were the last thing you were doing in your life, and stop being aimless, stop letting your emotions override what your mind tells you, stop being hypocritical, self-centered, irritable. You see how few things you have to do to live a satisfying and reverent life? If you can manage this, that’s all even the gods can ask of you.”
One day. One grade. One assignment. One mistake — doesn’t define you!
Anonymous
Gehraiyaan Title Track
I have been there.
The chase for the perfect Grade Point Average.
GPA 4.0.
A’s. More A’s.
Grades that have hardly shaped my personal and professional life.
Recently I had a candid conversation with — say Mr. X (for fragment of your imagination).
He was really upset about the grades he received for the module.
He was seemingly beating himself up for one meager mistake that costed him an ‘A’.
I was really trying to listen to him and at the same time also trying my best to figure out the right things to say.
But, perhaps he didn’t need anything coming from me.
Maybe he ONLY needed a listening ear to pour his full heart and that’s it, and not someone sympathizing, not someone hardly helping.
Looking back, I wouldn’t have felt any different than what he was going through. For, I am in that same race too. The race that I know is very expensive to participate in. The race that I know is seemingly significant but practically are mere numbers.
Tonight I want to swallow this pill once again, “GPA 4.0, or straight A’s is not the dream, is not the only way, the dream m.u.s.t be something else!”
The purpose must be progress. Not a transcript.
Your identity must be your virtues. Not grades.
Your dream must be fulfillment and appetite for more responsibility. Not A’s.
Enjoy whatever you are going through. It’s not simple. It’s possible.
~author
Lewis Capaldi – Hold Me While You Wait
Food for brain. Epictetus wrote:
“Now is the time to get serious about living your ideals. How long can you afford to put off who you really want to be? Your nobler self cannot wait any longer.
Put your principles into practice – now. Stop the excuses and the procrastination. This is your life! You aren’t a child anymore. The sooner you set yourself to your spiritual program, the happier you will be. The longer you wait, the more you’ll be vulnerable to mediocrity and feel filled with shame and regret, because you know you are capable of better.
From this instant on, vow to stop disappointing yourself. Separate yourself from the mob. Decide to be extraordinary and do what you need to do – now.”
Everyday I feel grateful to be living the life I’m given. I must confront this is my ‘third’ life because there were time when chances were — just mere ‘chances’ between life and death.
Everyday I live for the two. One for myself, one for the one who wanted to. She use to say, there’s no point in living a life with a heavy heart and expensive baggage. I will never forget ‘that’ for the rest of my life. And, I have not seen anybody as her who wanted to cheat awaiting death just to l.i.v.e to see another day. She passed away right infront of me. She’ll forever be the constant background music in my life.
Everyday I thank my room (apparently a dorm where I’m living) before I leave her — ready to get sucked into the matrix of regular grind — for taking care of me and my dear belongings; for a good night sleep; for letting me keep my privacy; for warmth; for protection; for being a silent companion;
for always inviting me without expectations,
without judgements, and
without weights.
Everyday I question, how can I make my ‘today’ better than it was yesterday. Although I end up spending most of my time in an infinitely looping ‘Groundhog Day’. I try nevertheless.
Everyday I die. Everyday I try to be the better version of what, who and where I was.